Building Self Esteem Through Connection and Community

By Shirley Katz, Ph.D., RP, CCC
There is a well known connection between self-esteem and mental health. Some early Psychologists saw it as moderated by our connections to things outside of ourselves, a sense of belonging.  Alfred Adler (1958) viewed people as having a natural propensity towards growth and creativity.  He believed that all people have a need to belong and find meaning through contributing to society.  From an Adlerian perspective, human development is guided by an inherent striving to do one’s best and to become healthiest and happy (Watts, 2013).  Adler (1958) also believed that feelings of inferiority, though painful, can motivate a person towards betterment.  
Adler (1958) saw people as having certain lifestyles based on their sense of inferiority or superiority in relation to others. These lifestyles can be seen as a kind of behavioral interaction pattern used to overcome difficult emotions.  Some people become dominant and try to control others, or getting things from them, others avoid social interaction to reduce  vulnerability, white some become socially useful to be valued to society and others. A lifestyle orientation focused on getting things from others is the most common pattern, though being socially inclined is most beneficial to society (Schultz & Schultz, 2013). Notably, being socially useful through empathy and community involvement is related to individual mental health, benefitting the self as well as others, enhancing a person’s life satisfaction and wellbeing (Leak & Leak, 2006).  
Central to Adler’s theory is the importance of social connection and community.  He saw people as social by nature, needing to be a part of something larger than themselves.  Research supports this view.  In a large and recent study, there was strong evidence for the interactive relationship between self esteem and social relationships (Harris and Orth, 2019).  People suffer from low self worth when they do not feel a part of something or struggle to make connections - but then feeling a sense of low self worth, people may not make efforts to connect or contribute.  This cycle gets people stuck and suffering.Some people over-compensate for feelings of low worth by people-pleasing, reassurance seeking or “approval dependence” which can lead to lower self esteem (Saruhan &  Çınar, 2022).  People with low self worth may keep connections or contributions that are not growth oriented, or not serving them, out of fear of rejection or isolation.  They may invest time and energy that does not align with their own needs or values.
So how does one connect to the community and make valuable contributions towards a sense of belonging, without over doing it?  Since belonging is a well-known social need (Leary and Baumeister, 2000), we all need to make connections and starting out is not always easy.  It is important to start small and in alignment with one’s true self.  Further to this, a history of focusing on monitoring and fulfilling other people’s needs in order to seek approval may be related to not having a clear sense of self.  Therapy can help identify and strengthen a sense of self through exploration of traits, personality and values.
With or without therapy, the first step prior to choosing groups, activities or causes to take up, is to develop a stronger sense of self with identification of your values and interests.  What is most important to you?  What would you be willing to put time and effort into?  Why?  Once you know your values it is easier to choose activities that align with them.  
Next, ensure the activity is truly in line with your sense of self and not just something that will offer approval or acceptance.  Ask yourself if you are doing something because it is fulfilling and aligned with your values, or because it leads to external validation.  You may create connections that do not fulfill you at all.  If someone’s sense of self is not well developed because of a history of people pleasing or approval seeking, this can also be a bit of a process – differentiating what is in alignment with the true self versus validation seeking. 
When involved in a new group, community or activity, it is important to monitor the reciprocity and balance and set boundaries.  Is the activity also providing support and connection or is it one sided giving?  If it drains you, it is not fulfilling your needs.  Take a pause and re-evaluate.  Set limits and only offer the amount of time, energy and commitment that you can or want to share.  It is important to contribute to something that grows in value or supports your growth.  
Finally, respect your own contributions.  Self esteem sometimes grows by also treating yourself like your time, energy and commitment is valuable. Self compassion is key.  It contributes and offers benefits beyond self esteem (Neff, 2023) fostering resilience and emotional stability.  Self compassion is about being supportive towards the self when going through difficulties.  It can involve the gentle self talk that one might offer a friend.  It can be considered a way to connect with the self.  
In sum, compassionate connection with oneself and identification of values and interests, followed by time and effort spent on making connections and contributions in the community that align with these interests and values – is the best way to feel a stronger sense of self worth and to develop strength and stability.  If someone has a history of betrayal of themselves and a pattern of people pleasing, a therapist can help to strengthen the sense of self and teach assertiveness and boundaries so choices align with better mental health and life satisfaction.

Adler, A. (1958). What life should mean to you. New York, NY: Capricorn Books. (Original work published 1931)
Harris, M. A., & Orth, U. (2019, September 26). The Link Between Self-Esteem and Social Relationships: A Meta-Analysis of Longitudinal Studies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000265
Leak, G. K., & Leak, K. S. (2006). The relationship of social interest and self-actualization: A canonical analysis. Journal of Individual Psychology, 62(2), 136–145.

Leary, M. R., & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 193–218. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047
Saruhan, N., & Çınar, M. (2022). The relationship between self-esteem and approval dependence: The mediating role of interaction anxiety and self-insight. Current Psychology, 41(10), 7318–7328. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-020-01268-1
Schultz, D. P., & Schultz, S. E. (2013). Theories of Personality (10th ed.). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Cengage Learning.
Watts, R. E. (2013). Adlerian counseling. In R. E. Watts (Ed.), The Handbook of Educational Theories (pp. 459–472). Information Age Publishing